All of his personalities

So in my last post I talked about that my husband and I had decided to start an open marriage. Let me go back to what led us to that decision. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years. We found out that one of his testicles is pretty much shooting blanks and chances of us getting pregnant is pretty slim. I have also been through several tests and my doctors can not find any reason why I should not be able to have a baby. Our choices are adoption and invitro and we can not afford either. So my husband and I discussed using a sperm donor. Long story short, we decided to enter into an open marriage with someone who would be willing to attempt to get me pregnant but not want any rights to the child. So the past five months have been pretty crazy. Lots of fighting. Most of the fighting stemmed from the fact that my husband also suffers from PTSD and has multiple personalities. Part of him is ok with the situation and part of him is not. It’s hard for me to determine which part of him is talking when we are fighting. The word Divorce has come up several times during these fights. Then after the fight is done and we sit down and talk calmly, we work things out and open marriage continues.  However, recently, after yet another fight, my husband decided that when/if I become pregnant I will end things with my lover and we will close our marriage. Largely I’m ok with that. I’m mostly scared that after one of these fights he is going to decide to just leave. His personalities and what he wants, what he is “ok” with, gives me whip lash. He tells me he wants me to do what will make me happy and then when I do I get punished for it. I’m kind of lost at the moment at what I should do.  Should I give up hopes for a baby and close our marriage and let go of my other wants and desires to save my marriage? Should I keep going and just navigate every fight as it happens? My friends and family know nothing about any of this so there is nobody for me to talk to. Some advice would be nice.

In the beginning

I’m not a writer and I have never blogged but I”m going to give this a shot.

My husband and i have decided recently to enter into a one sided open marriage. One sided being I am the only one going outside the marriage. He maintains that he has no desire to go outside the marriage but he is willing to allow me to do so. I’m starting this blog more as a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings because right now they are all over the place. We are still trying to navigate through this and it has been rocky at times. Sometimes I ask myself if having an open marriage is worth all this fighting. I love my husband and am not interested in divorce but there is this part of me that craves things, and I’m not sure I really understand it. At times I feel like this has brought my husband and I closer together because we are more honest with each other than we ever were before. We set aside time every night to talk about whatever is on our minds and we open up….but sometimes we don’t. Sometimes things that are bothering us aren’t brought up and are pushed to the side and that is what causes our fights I think. There are times when I feel guilty for wanting an open marriage but clearly my desires override that guilt. Readers, feel free to give advice or ask questions. The story is just getting started. There is much more to come.